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A Metrosexual’s Guide to Bachelorhood – Woman Speak

March 6, 2015

old ramshackle doghouse

English Lessons. (Or learning to speak female)

We love the internet don’t we? Now, you see, that was a rhetorical question. Rhetorical questions do not require an answer. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Back to the internet. I do get reams upon reams of garbage in my inbox – usually a lot of unsolicited racist shit that the ill-informed, Daily Mail reading members of my family think is actual news. Every so often there is a piece about cute, fluffy animals, which also ends up in the trash. It doesn’t matter who send it, I am less than 0.00001% likely to forward it on to everyone in my contact list because

  1. I’m prepared to believe that something bad will not happen to me if don’t
  2. I’m prepared to believe that something good will not happen to me if I do and
  3. I don’t particularly want anyone in my inbox to think that I’m a sad, lonely twat.

I got forwarded the following piece of observational ‘comedy’ and began treating it with the contempt that I felt it deserved. Then the pedant in me thought, ‘well hang on a minute, there is always an element of truth in every stereotype…’

The piece, in essence is ‘woman speak’ and comprises nine words or phrases that can have euphemistic interpretations. I also have to say that I have done nothing to alter the text other than a bit of reformatting.  I’ll let you read them before we pull them to pieces…

  • Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
  • Five MinutesIf she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
  • Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.  This means something, and you should be on your toes.  Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
  • Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.  Don’t Do It!
  • Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.  (See # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
  • That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.  That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  • Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’. That will bring on a ‘whatever’).
  • Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying FUCK YOU!
  • Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response, refer to ‘nothing’.

It’s all true as well as being hysterically funny/slightly amusing/just true and nothing else*. (*delete as applicable) But that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface chaps. As long as you follow this basic rule of thumb, your life will be simpler:~

“A woman reserves the right to alter the meaning of anything she says, at any given time, without any notice or explanation. Furthermore, you are expected to be a mind reader. And yes, your statutory rights will be affected.”

The sooner you take on board the tenor of this statement and deal with it, the easier life will become. Who said it? Me. Just now, based on a lifetime’s experience of grabbing the wrong end of the shitty stick. And before you ask, the other end of the stick has spikes in. Spikes that are covered in shit.

You see, what our feminist funster forgot to mention was that, if there are ever two interpretations for something you say to her and one of those interpretations will get you a one-way pass to the doghouse, despite the fact that you did actually intend to pay her a compliment, it’s a night in the smelly blanket with Fido for you mate.

Let’s just have a quick look at the words themselves shall we? What’s the first thing you notice about them? Spot on – they’re ‘man’ words. It’s all very monosyllabic – like the kind of grunting that you, as an aspiring metrosexual, are trying to get away from.

If you have been a practising metrosexual for a while now you will notice the following to be true.

1, Fine: This is a word that can start as many arguments as it ends. As in;

Her:       How do I look?

Him:      Fine.

Not the word to use here unless you want to deal with an interminable amount of sulking. NB: if you do inadvertently use the word ‘fine’ and it causes consternation with the little lady, say you meant fine as in fine art or mighty fine.

2, As a metrosexual who knows about shoes, interior design, cookery and how to find her g-spot, you have a free pass to the match. You are also under no illusions as to how long it will take her to dress and are aware that any input to this process will earn you further brownie points.

3-9, The serious metrosexual is not the kind of man that will be fazed by any of this behaviour. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to memorise the waxing and waning of the moon. I think you know what I mean. And whereas there is that time every month when the house is floored with eggshells, that is what chocolate and wine was invented for.

And if there are any ladies reading who don’t know what Brownie Points are:

Brownie Points = Fellatio.

And in case of emergency, please don’t ever, EVER forget the two most important words in a man’s arsenal –

‘YES ‘ and ‘DEAR’


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