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A Metrosexual’s Guide to Bachelorhood – Shoes

January 30, 2015

If you’re male and like shoes, it doesn’t necessarily follow that you’re light in your loafers. She might claim to have a total disinterest in football, but you and I both know the Princess knows her Jamie Redknapp from her Wayne Rooney. Football matters to you, so if you put the boot on the other foot, shoes matter to her. Ignorance is not bliss. If it were, there would be more people out there smiling. What’s the first thing you look at in a woman? 99% of us red-blooded males will give a body part as an answer. Or two body parts. Laydeez on the other hand will look at the face first. Shoes is the next most common answer. So what can she tell from your footwear?

Trainers

We all have them. Whether they’re exclusively for the gym or just slobbing around in at the weekend, ‘sports casual’ can look great or be an epic fail. White trainers should be white rather than grey. Grey means dirty and, probably, smelly. As a general rule of thumb any shoes should be rotated in the same way a manager rotates his squad. Never the same pair two days running. This simple, yet effective rule will spare the ultimate embarrassment of cheesey feet and cotton socks will help further. Again, twice is never as nice. You wouldn’t wear your undercrackers two days running would you? Please tell me you wouldn’t. Furthermore, white trainers tend not to look good with anything other than trackie bottoms. Unless you are a regular on the Jeremy Kyle show, trackie bottoms are NOT a good look. Justified or not, white trainers have become associated with drug dealers and pimps and the JK massive. Is this the look you want? Thought not.

Leather

We all like a bit of leather. Ideally leather should look like it came off of a cow as opposed to have been manufactured in a petrochemical plant. As a natural product, leather also needs care and attention, in much the same way as the lady you are trying to impress does. If she thinks for a second that you are the neglectful type because you stand before her in scruffy, neglected shoes, she’ll put two and two together and conclude that this is how you’ll treat her. Bye bye baby. Shoe polish. Shoe polish, a cloth and a brush for buffing. It’s simple, not all that time consuming and all in the wrist action. I’m sure you can cope with that.

Style

We all have different sensibilities. So do girls. Notoriously fickle, women can be difficult to please. Expensive is good. Footwear is an investment, not only in terms of attraction, but also because your comfort is important. Going that extra mile at the end of a long day on your feet is a whole load easier when your feet aren’t killing you to the point where they’ve sapped all of your energy. Cheap shoes are like cheap beer, weak and unsatisfying. If you have big feet, congratulations. It means that yes, you have big shoes. And, unless you want to look like Sideshow Bob round or square toes are essential. Winklepickers are great on Chelsea boots, but otherwise, tread carefully. Especially if you are a size 11 or above. Similarly Cuban heels should only be attempted by dancers, those going to Austin Powers’ theme parties and midgets.

mike myers as austin powers Unhealthy obsession?

How many pairs of shoes should one person have? Women can never have enough; let it go. But there’s absolutely no need to go in the other direction. Here is a list of what I think can reasonably considered the minimum requirement.

3x           Trainers – One for Saturday, one for Sunday, one for the gym.

2x           Work shoes – Remember the ‘twice is never as nice’ maxim.

1x           Flip flops – Yes, you’ll be going on holiday at some point. And the sun might shine.

1x           Utility shoes – These are the old, knackered shoes you do the garden in. Or potter around in the garage. Because you don’t want to get those great looking Adidas Gazelles covered in shit, do you? DO YOU? No you don’t. Well done, that was the right answer. We got there in the end.

You don’t need to take your shoes and socks off to work out that that’s seven pairs in total and, as I said, that is a minimum. Add onto that any specialist footwear like work safety boots, football, rugby or cricket boots, or even ballet or tap shoes if you’re an advanced metrosexual. She might even be impressed enough with your choice of shoe to accept your offer of a date… 3 points at a quarter to five. Result.

Next time – Interior Design… It’s ok to know what ‘mauve’ is.

@devilsaardvark

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