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A Right Royal Pain – Hyperemesis Gravidarum

December 4, 2012

If you haven’t heard of this before, don’t worry because you’re about to become familiar with it. Painfully familiar.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum is the medical term for severe morning sickness – the type of morning sickness that the Duchess of Cambridge is reported to be suffering from. I have nothing against Kate Middleton – I couldn’t exactly be classified as a monarchist, but I wish no human being harm; least of all one who is pregnant.

When I say I wish no human being harm, actually there might be one or two tiny caveats.

Firstly, the very fact that the wife of the second in line to the throne is pregnant, is enough to make me slightly nauseous. Again, not because I wish them ill, but because I don’t know if I can bear the prospect of six months or so of hearing about the development of His or Her Royal Foetusness; about the size and make of designer maternity gown the Duchess happens to be wearing this afternoon; or how many miles of red carpet the Duke has paced ruts in today. I’m the kind of person who’s bored with Christmas already on the 4th December. How on earth am I going to cope with the gestation period of an over-publicised human, is anyone’s guess. We all like the good news of a birth, but please, leave us with a modicum of anticipation before we all get completely sick to death of hearing about it.

You know that it’s the nature of the beast that all we’ll get are the fawning, forelock-tugging royal correspondents simpering about how ‘radiant’ the Duchess is looking when actually, everyone in the real world knows that she’ll be feeling bloated, puffed-up, sweaty and tired with aching muscles, stretch marks and piles.

Then there will be the escalation of her morning sickness. Less than 24 hours after having first been reported, there is already a oneupwomanship going on with news agencies vying to find someone who can trump the Duchess. Severe Morning Sickness doesn’t seem to be enough. It’s already becoming Acute Morning Sickness. Or Extreme. It’s only a matter of time before there’s someone on Daybreak claiming to have had a case of something called ‘So-Bad-I-Vomitted-My-Own-Intestines-Out Sickness’.

Yes, it is no laughing matter, and yes, in certain cases the effects can be life-threatening, but you know, somewhere, there is a someone telling her friends that, even though she’s not sure of the proper medical term, her type of morning sickness is, “exactly the same kind as Kate Middleton has.”

No one will have ‘regular’ morning sickness ever again. From now on, it’ll only be Royal Morning Sickness. It’s going to be a trend. It will become a euphemism for hypochondria.

Secretary –  Johnny’s called in sick today.

Boss – That’s the third time this month… Damned, bloody royal morning sickness!

So please, News Editors, let’s leave the trivia to the glossies and keep the 6 O’clock News free for genuine news. A radical idea perhaps, but do me a favour; I’m not well. I’m coming down with a case of I-Don’t-Give-A-Monkey’s-And-I’m-Losing-The-Will-To-Live-Itis.

Poor kid doesn’t stand a chance. We’re trying to rein in press intrusion and I’m imagining a situation with a pap posing as an ultrasonographer in a private hospital to try and get the first exclusive scan photo for the cover of MoreHellOK magazine.



From → devilsaardvark, News

  1. Rebecca Papp permalink

    Brace yourself. We have months of “guess the name” to come.

  2. …best is yet to come!!

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