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Brit or Swallow?

February 22, 2012

What did we learn from last night’s Brit Awards? Anything? Hell yeah!

For starters, we can now confirm that US crooner, Bruno Mars is 5’0″ tall and that, if you shaved his head, thereby removing his trademark quiff, he’d stand 4’3″ in stockinged feet. In fact, stick a green wig on his bonce and he’d pass for an oompah loompah!

We learned that Noel Gallagher is considered a ‘solo’ artist, despite playing with a band. Presumably, Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, will be changing their name – possibly to Noel Gallagher’s Angry Birds.

We learned that Olly Murs needs to find a fake-tanist who can exercise a modicum of self control and make him look less ‘ethnic’ than his co-performers, Rizzle Kicks.

We learned that Radio2 listeners are not to be trusted with voting.

And we learned that ITV’s corporate whoring has plumbed new depths. I am, of course, talking about host James Corden being forced to cut Adele short in her acceptance speech for winning ‘Best British Album’ for ’21’. It wasn’t Corden’s fault. He was just hearing the voices in his head from the gallery that presumably told him to, “Get rid of the turn, and get Blur on. NOW!”

Paradoxically, and without detracting from any of the event’s performances, this shambles led to the highlight of the evening, namely Adele’s middle-finger salute to the camera. She was widely quoted afterwards as saying her single-digit gesture was directed at the suits that had cut her off in her prime, and in doing so has most likely elevated her status from girl-with-the-stunning-voice to national treasure.

Up until that point, we had been witness to a saccharine, squeaky-clean, corporate non-event hosted by someone who seemed decidedly uncomfortable with the format. Speeches were stage managed to a bear minimum, fans were kept at a distance whilst the suits tucked into their champagne meals and the performers were obviously told not to speak. It might possibly have been the most unnerving moment of last night when, having finished ‘AKA… What A Life!’, Noel said absolutely nothing. Yes, the performances were great, but where were the awards? What’s happened to the Rock, Dance, Live and Producer categories? And what happened to the spirit of Rock’n’Roll?

Within a few minutes of tuning in last night I was pleading for the return of Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox. What was missing was Chumbawumba throwing a bucket of water over the deputy prime minister. And don’t take this the wrong way, but I really missed Jarvis Cocker bearing his arse to the king of pop. The closest we actually got was some random suit walk across James Corden’s shot on his way to the loo, followed by Labrinth hijacking the camera in the middle of another of Corden’s links. It was all very safe, very dull and, like the music industry in general these days, very manufactured. I wonder if anyone other than Damon Albarn would have got past security and onto screen wearing a CND badge?

The fact that it was solely Radio2 listeners that voted for the Best British Group should be enough to bring into question the validity of the awards. Once the nominees were announced there was little chance of anyone other than Coldplay winning. Like Kasabian or Arctic Monkeys ever stood a chance. Perhaps this a pilot for a new government democracy initiative, whereby only readers of the Daily Mail are allowed to vote in general elections.

That said, Blur rolled back the years and showed an energy, vitality and passion in their performance which, like common sense, is sadly becoming an all-too-rare commodity. Yet they too were cut short by ITV to make way for more adverts. The station was forced to rethink their advert structure when they missed the presentation of the FIFA World Cup because they went to an ad break. They ought to be having a crisis meeting at this very moment to sort out the mess they made last night. And fair play to Adele for sticking her head above the parapet, as well as her middle finger. It must have been difficult to swallow that on live TV. Personally, I would have rather she gave the quintessentially British two-finger salute though. Maybe she’s savvy enough to know that ‘flipping the bird’, as our American cousins put it, would have more impact with it’s target audience.

But if proof were needed that the corporate face of the music industry is an egotistical, petulant child, Capital Radio, whose listeners voted One Direction’s ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ Best British Single, have snubbed the band after the band’s tousle-haired, singing embryo, Harry Styles thanked Radio1 during their acceptance speech. Reports suggest that an appearance scheduled for today was dropped and that the band have been bumped down the station’s playlist. Funnily enough, Capital is owned by Global Radio, whose talent division manages One Direction’s rivals The Wanted. I don’t know whether or not Global Radio will be issuing a full statement, but if they do I expect it to include the words, “Ner ner ne ner ner.”

Who would you have voted for? Please leave your own nominations in the comments box and we can have our own ceremony. And we won’t skimp on the shenanigans.

And I’d love to know…

…are you a middle finger kind of person, or do you prefer to flick the Vs? I think my position on that front is quite clear.


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From → devilsaardvark, Music

One Comment
  1. Rebecca permalink

    And the nomination for alternative viewing when the Brits becomes the shits…Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Mint!

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